1 00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:09,551 ["Everybody Needs a Best Friend" by Norah Jones playing] 2 00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:16,558 ? My words are lazy ? ? My thoughts are hazy ? 3 00:00:16,599 --> 00:00:19,686 ? But this is one thing ? ? I'm sure of ? 4 00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:23,398 ? Everybody needs ? ? A best friend ? 5 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,067 ? I'm happy I'm yours ? 6 00:00:27,902 --> 00:00:29,988 [???] 7 00:00:31,948 --> 00:00:34,492 Blaire: Is there someone present in this house? 8 00:00:34,951 --> 00:00:36,619 Is there a spirit here? 9 00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:39,873 John [laughs]: Oh. 10 00:00:39,914 --> 00:00:40,874 -I just wanna point out you got 11 00:00:40,915 --> 00:00:42,417 a fuckin' talkin' teddy bear here. 12 00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:43,793 A ghost ain't that big a deal. 13 00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:45,170 -Shh. Quiet. 14 00:00:46,004 --> 00:00:47,964 Will you answer our questions? 15 00:00:50,008 --> 00:00:52,761 -How many times a day does Johnny jerk off? 16 00:00:52,802 --> 00:00:53,762 -Fuck you, man. 17 00:00:56,097 --> 00:00:57,265 -Eighty-seven? 18 00:00:57,307 --> 00:00:58,975 -Oh, hang on, he's heading for the zero. 19 00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,477 -All right, fuck this. This is bullshit. 20 00:01:00,518 --> 00:01:02,437 -He said, storming off to masturbate. 21 00:01:03,104 --> 00:01:05,482 -Whoa. Hey, Blaire, what's all that? 22 00:01:05,523 --> 00:01:06,649 -Oh, just some booze 23 00:01:06,691 --> 00:01:08,318 for my birthday party tomorrow night. 24 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:09,402 -That's a lot of alcohol. 25 00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:11,571 -Yeah, well, you know, college crowd. 26 00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:13,448 -Hey, Blaire, do you think maybe me and Teddy 27 00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:14,407 could steal a couple beers? 28 00:01:14,449 --> 00:01:15,408 -Oh, yeah! 29 00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:17,410 -Ha! Hilarious. 30 00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:18,787 No. -Oh, come on. 31 00:01:18,828 --> 00:01:20,747 We'll wait until Mom and Dad are asleep to drink 'em. 32 00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:23,124 And-- And we'll do it all in our room so no one will know. 33 00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:24,626 -The ghosts will know. 34 00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:25,960 -The ghosts have seen my asshole. 35 00:01:26,002 --> 00:01:27,671 Why do I care if they see me drink a beer? 36 00:01:27,712 --> 00:01:29,964 -Wait. Why'd you show 'em your asshole? 37 00:01:30,006 --> 00:01:30,965 -They asked. 38 00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:34,010 Sometimes I use the board when you guys aren't around. 39 00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:39,307 [???] 40 00:01:39,349 --> 00:01:43,645 all [singing]: ? Happy birthday to you ? 41 00:01:43,687 --> 00:01:45,689 -Happy birthday, Blaire. 42 00:01:45,730 --> 00:01:47,774 Blow out your candles. 43 00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:49,275 -Oh, for God's sakes, do you have to do this 44 00:01:49,317 --> 00:01:50,443 every fuckin' year? 45 00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,195 -It's his birthday too, damn it. 46 00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:53,697 -I'm sorry, Blaire. 47 00:01:53,738 --> 00:01:55,281 Matty insisted. -[Blaire sighs] 48 00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:56,825 -You have the same birthday as Reagan? 49 00:01:56,866 --> 00:01:58,118 -Yes, and I don't need 50 00:01:58,159 --> 00:02:00,120 to be constantly fucking reminded of it. 51 00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:01,496 -Hey, watch your mouth. 52 00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:03,123 You're talking about the greatest fuckin' president 53 00:02:03,164 --> 00:02:04,207 this country's ever had. 54 00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:05,333 -That doesn't mean you need to leave 55 00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:06,626 an empty seat for him every year. 56 00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,336 Like he's fuckin' Elijah the prophet. 57 00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:10,213 -It's like the ghost is sitting there. 58 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:11,131 -What ghost? 59 00:02:11,172 --> 00:02:12,298 -Blaire has a Ouija board, 60 00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:13,466 and we were talking to a ghost, 61 00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:14,843 and it watches Johnny jerk off 62 00:02:14,884 --> 00:02:16,052 and he showed it his butthole. 63 00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:17,387 -Blaire, I don't like having 64 00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:19,806 a Ouija board in this house. 65 00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:21,307 We're churchgoing people. 66 00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:24,310 -Okay, listen, thank you so much for the cake. 67 00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:26,021 Really, I-- I do appreciate it. 68 00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:29,482 I'll have some of it later, but right now, 69 00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:31,484 me and Sarah are gonna go up and get ready for the party. 70 00:02:31,526 --> 00:02:33,820 -Okay. -Just keep the noise down, huh? 71 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:37,198 -Oh, come on, Matty. It's her birthday. 72 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:38,700 -Hey, hey. Don't sit. That's for Reagan! 73 00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,704 That-- That's for Reagan. 74 00:02:47,208 --> 00:02:48,168 ? Murderer ? 75 00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:49,544 ? I'm the lyrical gangster ? 76 00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:50,420 ? Murderer ? 77 00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:52,839 [all chattering] 78 00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:54,507 ? Still love you like that ? 79 00:02:54,549 --> 00:02:55,508 ? Murderer ? 80 00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:58,261 [indistinct chatter] 81 00:02:58,928 --> 00:03:01,389 -? Yes, we mul-ti-ply ? -Happy birthday. 82 00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,850 [music continues faintly] 83 00:03:03,892 --> 00:03:06,102 -Oh, man, these chicks are so hot. 84 00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:09,064 Oh, God. 85 00:03:09,105 --> 00:03:11,316 Ted: Shouldn't her vagina be starting? 86 00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:13,568 -Huh? -She's pulling way down there. 87 00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:15,612 It should be starting. There's nothing there. 88 00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:16,780 -Oh, yeah. Look at that. 89 00:03:16,821 --> 00:03:18,865 -I'm gonna write a letter to these bums. 90 00:03:18,907 --> 00:03:19,866 [clears throat] 91 00:03:19,908 --> 00:03:21,576 Dear Sports Illustrated, 92 00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:25,205 the woman on page 64 has no vagina. 93 00:03:25,246 --> 00:03:27,582 You have got some nerve. 94 00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:29,709 I have drawn a sketch to indicate 95 00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:31,461 what I feel we are owed. 96 00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:33,463 Sincerely, Jason Bateman. 97 00:03:33,505 --> 00:03:35,382 -Oh, man. This sucks. 98 00:03:35,423 --> 00:03:36,883 I'm 17 years old. 99 00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:39,469 It's Friday night, and there's beer in my house 100 00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:40,679 and I can't get to it. 101 00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:43,431 -Hey, you know, I could probably go get some. 102 00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:44,808 -How? -Well, that room's 103 00:03:44,849 --> 00:03:45,934 probably packed with people. 104 00:03:45,975 --> 00:03:47,435 Nobody's gonna notice a guy my size 105 00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:48,728 slippin' in and slippin' out. 106 00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:50,230 -You really think you can do it? 107 00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:52,440 -Does Magic Johnson have AIDS? 108 00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,234 -What the fuck? -What? 109 00:03:54,275 --> 00:03:56,277 -What the fuck kind of response is that? 110 00:03:56,319 --> 00:03:58,405 -What? I'm saying yes. -Then just say yes. 111 00:03:58,446 --> 00:03:59,572 -I did. -No, you didn't. 112 00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:01,282 You said, "Does Magic Johnson have AIDS?" 113 00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:03,284 -I never said that. -You literally just said it. 114 00:04:03,326 --> 00:04:04,619 -Okay, I did, but you laughed. 115 00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:05,620 -No, I didn't. 116 00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,123 -I feel like we're growing apart. 117 00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:11,668 -[music continues playing] -[party crowd cheering] 118 00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:15,296 -Jesus Christ, would you listen to that? 119 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:17,966 Sounds like they're having a goddamn or-gee. 120 00:04:18,008 --> 00:04:20,427 -I think it's pronounced "orjy." 121 00:04:20,468 --> 00:04:23,138 -No, no, you're thinking of "orijami." 122 00:04:23,179 --> 00:04:24,014 -What's that? 123 00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:26,766 -That's that-- that thing where the Japanese 124 00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:27,976 fuck around with paper. 125 00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:29,144 Keep it down! 126 00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:32,480 -Oh, they're just havin' fun. 127 00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:34,941 Remember when we were her age? Matty: No. 128 00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:37,444 -We'd go to parties. -Yeah, that was different. 129 00:04:37,485 --> 00:04:38,862 We-- We were doing the Twist. 130 00:04:38,903 --> 00:04:41,031 These degenerates are doing the Lambada. 131 00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:42,282 -Oh. Matt-- 132 00:04:42,323 --> 00:04:43,491 -It's forbidden, Susan. 133 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:47,037 -We were young and passionate. 134 00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:49,205 Do you ever miss it? Even just a little? 135 00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:50,415 -No. 136 00:04:52,417 --> 00:04:54,336 -Matty. -What? 137 00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:55,837 -Do you love me? 138 00:04:56,755 --> 00:04:58,465 -What the hell kinda question is that, Susan? 139 00:04:58,506 --> 00:04:59,799 Of course I do. 140 00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:01,009 -It's just... 141 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:04,179 I never know what you're feeling anymore. 142 00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:05,430 -I feel fine. 143 00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:09,309 -But you like your life with me? 144 00:05:09,351 --> 00:05:10,310 -Yeah. 145 00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:12,145 -It's okay to share your feelings. 146 00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:13,313 -Jesus Christ, Susan, 147 00:05:13,355 --> 00:05:14,981 I'm ju-- I'm just trying to read here. 148 00:05:15,023 --> 00:05:17,067 [???] 149 00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:20,528 -Are your stools any better? -Fuckin' awful. 150 00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:22,906 Just piles of eyebrows for three days. 151 00:05:22,947 --> 00:05:25,700 -Oh, I'm sorry. -You know what? 152 00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:28,036 I'm gonna try and coax one out right now. 153 00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:32,415 [???] 154 00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:34,042 [door closes] 155 00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:37,003 -[inhales sharply] Matty: Oh. 156 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,880 Oh, Christ. Susan. 157 00:05:38,922 --> 00:05:42,217 Call the doctor. Ask why diarrhea would be white. 158 00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:47,430 [???] 159 00:05:48,556 --> 00:05:51,226 -Um, so, what did your parents say? 160 00:05:51,267 --> 00:05:53,520 -Um... 161 00:05:53,561 --> 00:05:55,605 nothing. I di-- I didn't tell them. 162 00:05:56,231 --> 00:05:57,607 -Are you fucking kidding me? 163 00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:59,359 Sarah, we-- we talked about this. 164 00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:01,236 -I know, I know. I'm sorry. 165 00:06:01,277 --> 00:06:03,863 -This was the only thing I wanted for my birthday. 166 00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:06,241 -Blaire, they're just not ready, okay? 167 00:06:06,282 --> 00:06:08,368 We'd be saving ourselves. 168 00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:10,704 -[laughs] You are such a hypocrite. 169 00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:12,747 You-- You sat in that bed right there 170 00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:14,874 and gave me shit for not telling Matty and Susan. 171 00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:17,293 -Well, maybe I was fucking wrong. 172 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:18,753 Maybe it wasn't a good idea. 173 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,797 -No, no. It was. 174 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:22,090 And I did it. 175 00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:24,926 And, yeah, it was fuckin' hard as shit, 176 00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:26,469 but I did it. 177 00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:28,388 And eventually they understood. 178 00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:30,890 And so will your parents. Sarah: No. It's different. 179 00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:32,726 Blaire: That's so not fair. 180 00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:34,728 -Blaire, I'm just protecting us. 181 00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:37,397 -No, I don't need your fucking protection, okay? 182 00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:41,276 I put myself out there in front of my family for you, 183 00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:42,861 and I deserve that same respect. 184 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,655 -It's not the right time. 185 00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:47,741 [???] 186 00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,075 -Fuck you then. 187 00:06:49,117 --> 00:06:50,160 -Excuse me? 188 00:06:50,201 --> 00:06:53,663 -I'm-- I'm sorry. -No. It's fine. 189 00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:54,914 I'll see you later. 190 00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,416 -No. Sarah, wait. 191 00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:57,917 Sarah: Happy birthday. 192 00:06:57,959 --> 00:07:01,254 [???] 193 00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:02,464 -Fuck! 194 00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:06,176 [exhales sharply] 195 00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,137 -Ah, fuck. 196 00:07:10,638 --> 00:07:11,806 Hey. 197 00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:14,768 You okay? -The fuck are you doing here? 198 00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:16,353 -I'm a pot-smoking teddy bear 199 00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:17,771 who was told he couldn't have beer, 200 00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:19,022 so I'm stealing beer. 201 00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,607 -Whatever. 202 00:07:20,648 --> 00:07:22,275 Do whatever the fuck you want. 203 00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:24,736 -You, uh, you want one? 204 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:27,030 -Thanks. 205 00:07:27,072 --> 00:07:29,407 [indistinct chatter] 206 00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:34,621 ? Rollin' down the street ? ? Smokin' indo ? 207 00:07:34,662 --> 00:07:36,831 ? Sippin' on gin and juice ? 208 00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:39,668 ? Laid back with my mind ? ? On my money ? 209 00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:43,213 It's like she thinks the rules are different for her 210 00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:44,297 than they are for me. 211 00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:46,007 -Totally. -You know what I mean? 212 00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:50,011 It's like I took shit from a talking dump truck for her. 213 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:52,222 -Yup. -You know, I almost alienated 214 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:55,141 my whole family because I loved her. 215 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,394 And now, now she wants to play it safe 216 00:07:57,435 --> 00:07:58,561 that it's fucking flipped. 217 00:07:58,603 --> 00:08:00,230 -Love is a two-way street, 218 00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:02,315 and she doesn't-- she doesn't get that. 219 00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:04,818 -Exactly. I mean, what the fuck? 220 00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:06,319 -Love is a battlefield. 221 00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:07,404 -Yes. -Right. 222 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:09,823 -Holy shit. Wait, who the fuck-- 223 00:08:09,864 --> 00:08:10,824 Who thought of that? Did you-- 224 00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,158 -I did. -Did you think of that? 225 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,868 -I write poetry on the side. 226 00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:17,580 We are young, and no one can tell us we're wrong. 227 00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:18,748 -Jesus. -[bottle clanging] 228 00:08:18,790 --> 00:08:21,042 That's-- That's fuckin' word art, man. 229 00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:23,003 -Listen, you gotta do... -What? 230 00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:25,672 -...what you think is the rightsest for you. 231 00:08:25,714 --> 00:08:29,926 And if she knows what she's got, then she's got to get in it. 232 00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:31,678 -Yes. -'Cau-- 'Cause you're cool. 233 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:33,847 -Oh, fuck you. You're cool. 234 00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:36,016 -Listen, you listen to your pal Ted 235 00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:37,767 'cause he's got your back. 236 00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:40,061 [???] 237 00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:47,402 [Blaire sniffs] 238 00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:50,697 -Am I lesbian now? 239 00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:52,490 -Okay, I'm going to bed. 240 00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:55,660 -Me, too. 241 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:02,834 [???] 242 00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:06,254 [snoring] 243 00:09:14,763 --> 00:09:16,431 [snoring continues] 244 00:09:16,473 --> 00:09:17,307 -Oh! 245 00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:20,977 [retching, coughing] 246 00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:27,525 [snoring continues] 247 00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:29,611 -Ted! -[snoring] 248 00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:31,321 -Ted! -[snorts] 249 00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:35,116 [gagging, retching] 250 00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:37,494 -[coughs] Ah, Jesus. 251 00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:38,745 [gasping] 252 00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:39,704 -I kissed you. 253 00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:41,873 -Yeah. -I was drunk. 254 00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:44,084 -Yeah. -My head was all fucked up. 255 00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:45,085 -Yeah. 256 00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,169 -Please forget this ever happened 257 00:09:46,211 --> 00:09:47,128 till the day you die. 258 00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:48,380 -Oh, thank God, 259 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:49,923 I thought you were gonna make me marry you. 260 00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:52,759 Hey, you got a shirt? It's kinda cold this morning. 261 00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:53,843 -[sighs] Yeah. 262 00:09:57,305 --> 00:09:59,349 Uh, also, I borrowed 263 00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:01,476 a pair of shoes and a handbag from Aunt Suse. 264 00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,144 Could you take 'em and bring 'em back to her? 265 00:10:03,186 --> 00:10:04,312 -Sure. 266 00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:07,107 Don't be humiliated. You can do this. 267 00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,775 You are a strong, independent-- 268 00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:09,609 -Ted? 269 00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:11,403 Ted: Oh, hey, Mrs. Fechko. 270 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:13,446 -Are you okay? 271 00:10:13,488 --> 00:10:15,031 -Yeah, I-I'm fine, thank you. 272 00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:18,368 -Well, you look like a whore! 273 00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,330 [door closes] 274 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:26,251 [door opens] 275 00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:29,504 -Where the hell have you been? 276 00:10:29,546 --> 00:10:30,880 -Oh, I don't wanna talk right now. 277 00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:31,965 I just wanna sleep. 278 00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:33,133 -I waited up all night for you. 279 00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:34,175 -Look, could we please just-- 280 00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,468 -We were supposed to drink beer. 281 00:10:35,510 --> 00:10:37,178 You never came back with the beer. 282 00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:40,473 -Things got, uh, out of hand. 283 00:10:40,515 --> 00:10:41,474 -Oh, what things? 284 00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:42,559 And why do you got lipstick 285 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:43,643 all over your face? 286 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:45,145 Did you hook up with somebody? 287 00:10:45,186 --> 00:10:49,065 -I-- I fucked Mrs. Fechko. 288 00:10:49,524 --> 00:10:50,984 -What? -I fucked Mrs. Fechko. 289 00:10:51,026 --> 00:10:52,027 Okay? Are you happy. 290 00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:53,862 -You fucked Mrs. Fechko? 291 00:10:53,903 --> 00:10:55,196 -She invited me in 'cause she had 292 00:10:55,238 --> 00:10:57,365 way too much potato salad, and she was panicking. 293 00:10:57,407 --> 00:10:59,034 Next thing I know, she's taking her teeth out. 294 00:10:59,075 --> 00:11:01,036 -No way. -Johnny, I swear. 295 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:03,329 -Okay. Well, how was it? 296 00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:05,707 -Oh, she was amazing. Nothing was off the table. 297 00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:08,835 Arabian Goggles, Dirty Trombone, Rusty Trombone. 298 00:11:08,877 --> 00:11:10,253 There were so many trombones, I thought I was 299 00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:11,588 in the Glenn Miller Orchestra. 300 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:13,131 -Holy shit. That's amazing. 301 00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:16,509 -Does she have a friend? -Huh? 302 00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:18,428 -Like, for me. Like, maybe we could double date. 303 00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:20,221 -Oh, yeah. John, you don't want to, uh-- 304 00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:23,016 -Teddy, I have struck out with every girl in school. 305 00:11:23,058 --> 00:11:26,728 But maybe there's somebody out there who's older, sure, 306 00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:29,272 but lonely, just like me. 307 00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,733 And I could give her my heart. 308 00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,443 And she could school me in the ancient art 309 00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:34,527 of making whoopee. 310 00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:35,737 -You sure? 311 00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:37,280 -Teddy, 312 00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:39,741 society may not see older women 313 00:11:39,783 --> 00:11:41,910 as useful or sexy or even human, 314 00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:43,787 but John Bennett does. 315 00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:48,249 John Bennett's not afraid to rub your back with BENGAY. 316 00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:51,086 -Yeah, John Bennett's not afraid to blow his load 317 00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:53,046 on a bowl of butterscotch candy. 318 00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:55,131 -John Bennett's not afraid to finger-bang you 319 00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:56,633 while you watch The People's Court. 320 00:11:56,675 --> 00:11:59,552 -John Bennett's not afraid to hear your moans of pleasure 321 00:11:59,594 --> 00:12:01,054 and/or arthritic pain. 322 00:12:01,096 --> 00:12:03,056 -John Bennett's not afraid to talk dirty 323 00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:05,225 twice as loud as my normal speaking voice. 324 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:07,894 -John Bennett's not afraid to do the same role play 325 00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:09,229 for five days in a row 326 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:10,897 'cause you keep forgettin' we did it already. 327 00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:12,565 -John Bennett's not afraid to fuck you 328 00:12:12,607 --> 00:12:14,609 while staring at a black and white photograph 329 00:12:14,651 --> 00:12:16,236 of your son who died in the war. 330 00:12:16,277 --> 00:12:17,320 -Okay. Yeah, that's the one. 331 00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:19,614 [bottles clanking] 332 00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:22,492 [sighs] 333 00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:26,579 -Blaire, wh-what's all this? 334 00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:28,123 -You can take this out with the trash. 335 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:30,166 I'm never drinking again. 336 00:12:33,628 --> 00:12:36,256 -Matty, did you notice 337 00:12:36,297 --> 00:12:39,467 your bacon and eggs were shaped like a smiley face? 338 00:12:39,509 --> 00:12:40,802 -Yup. [sighs] 339 00:12:40,844 --> 00:12:42,137 -Do you like it? 340 00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:44,597 -Susan, I don't need my breakfast to be having 341 00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:45,890 a better day than I am. 342 00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:49,811 All right, I gotta go to the hardware store. 343 00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:53,815 -All right. 344 00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:30,894 [???] 345 00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:35,815 -You were, for a while then, during your 20s 346 00:13:35,857 --> 00:13:37,317 and your single days or when you were younger, 347 00:13:37,359 --> 00:13:39,235 you were easy, as we would have said. 348 00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:40,487 woman: Younger than that, actually. 349 00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:41,613 That was the problem. -[knocking on door] 350 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,156 -In your teenage years. -Yeah, yeah. 351 00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:45,492 -Just-- So you would walk into a crowded room 352 00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:47,702 and head right for the guy that would make you the... 353 00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:49,537 -Who is it? Blaire: It's me. 354 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:50,997 Phil Donahue: ... grab him with both hands. 355 00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,374 woman: Or he'd grab me-- Donahue: Right. 356 00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:53,541 -[sighs] Donahue: In any event, this was 357 00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,210 a neurotic satisfaction that you were... 358 00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:57,170 [TV chatter continues indistinctly] 359 00:13:57,212 --> 00:13:58,713 woman: Yes, it wasn't so much a neurotic satisfaction... 360 00:13:58,755 --> 00:13:59,631 -Hey. 361 00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:01,383 -Hi. 362 00:14:01,424 --> 00:14:02,425 -Can I come in? 363 00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:03,510 woman: I couldn't do what, quote, 364 00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:04,678 other girls could do. 365 00:14:04,719 --> 00:14:05,887 I couldn't sit there 366 00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:07,013 and keep my mouth closed, 367 00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:08,181 not give my opinion 368 00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:09,724 and be a-- -[TV shuts off] 369 00:14:09,766 --> 00:14:10,892 [door closes] 370 00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:12,644 -Listen. 371 00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:15,563 I'm sorry about last night. 372 00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:20,068 I didn't mean for things to get so nasty. 373 00:14:21,569 --> 00:14:22,570 [sighs] 374 00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:23,988 -Me neither. 375 00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:26,825 -And I'm sorry about the fuck you. 376 00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:28,910 -It's okay. 377 00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,162 I slept on it... 378 00:14:32,914 --> 00:14:34,749 and I understand why you were upset. 379 00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:39,421 I-- I guess I was using sort of a double standard. 380 00:14:40,755 --> 00:14:42,632 I don't know, I guess 381 00:14:42,674 --> 00:14:44,426 I just didn't want to deal with the stress. 382 00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:47,137 But that wasn't fair to you. 383 00:14:47,178 --> 00:14:50,765 And I do apologize. 384 00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:55,311 -Yeah. Um-- 385 00:14:55,353 --> 00:14:58,231 So, there's one more thing 386 00:14:58,273 --> 00:15:01,276 I need to tell you about last night. 387 00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:02,402 -What? 388 00:15:02,444 --> 00:15:04,195 -I, uh-- 389 00:15:06,281 --> 00:15:08,033 I made out with someone. 390 00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:12,328 -Who? Kathleen? 391 00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:13,621 -No. -Steven? 392 00:15:13,663 --> 00:15:15,457 -No. -Who? 393 00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:17,208 -Ted. 394 00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:19,794 -Oh, my God. -I was wasted. 395 00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:21,171 It just happened. -What the fuck? 396 00:15:21,212 --> 00:15:23,131 What the actual fuck? Are you fucking kidding me? 397 00:15:23,173 --> 00:15:24,424 -It didn't mean anything-- -What kind of fucked-up 398 00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:25,842 West Virginia shit is that? 399 00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:26,926 -I'm so sorry. -Oh, my God. 400 00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,511 And to think you gave your uncle shit 401 00:15:28,553 --> 00:15:29,679 for jacking off a dog. 402 00:15:29,721 --> 00:15:30,805 -Hold on. -No! 403 00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:32,599 Fuck you! Get out! -Sarah. 404 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:33,808 -We're done. 405 00:15:34,559 --> 00:15:36,603 -What do you mean? -I mean, we're done. 406 00:15:36,644 --> 00:15:37,562 For real. 407 00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,825 [???] 408 00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:58,416 [door creaks] 409 00:16:07,175 --> 00:16:08,551 man [on TV]: It is that you're a savings and loan officer. 410 00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:09,844 -[Blaire sniffles] man: Watch. 411 00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:12,639 One, two, three. See? 412 00:16:12,681 --> 00:16:14,891 You've got it all, and we've got nothing. 413 00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:16,976 And you have all four... -Blaire? 414 00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:18,144 -But I wouldn't trust you with... 415 00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:19,854 -What's wrong? 416 00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:20,814 -Nothing. 417 00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:23,024 -But you're crying. 418 00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:25,694 -I just really don't want to talk about it, Aunt Suse. 419 00:16:25,735 --> 00:16:26,986 -You want me-- You want me 420 00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:28,738 to make you the cakes? 421 00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:30,532 The little cakes. 422 00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:33,201 -What? -Cupcakes! 423 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:35,704 The cupcakes. That's what they are. 424 00:16:35,745 --> 00:16:37,664 -No, I'm-- I'm okay. 425 00:16:37,706 --> 00:16:38,707 -Oh. 426 00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:42,919 -Sarah and I, we-- we broke up. 427 00:16:42,961 --> 00:16:44,838 -Oh. 428 00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:48,675 Oh, Blaire, I'm so sorry. 429 00:16:48,717 --> 00:16:51,678 -It's all right. I just wanna be alone. 430 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,972 -But you can talk to Susan. 431 00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:57,851 ? Dr. Susan's in the house ? 432 00:16:57,892 --> 00:16:59,894 ? Ch, ch-ch, ch-ch ? ? Ch, ch-ch, ch-ch ? 433 00:16:59,936 --> 00:17:00,895 -Are you drunk? 434 00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:02,689 -No! 435 00:17:02,731 --> 00:17:04,315 No, I would never. 436 00:17:04,983 --> 00:17:06,693 I-- I just had a little bit 437 00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:09,320 of, um, wine from your box. 438 00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:11,322 Shh. 439 00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:14,909 Everybody deserves a little wine now and then, 440 00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:17,037 don't you think? 441 00:17:17,078 --> 00:17:18,121 -I guess. 442 00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:21,708 -Blaire, what are Goonies? 443 00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:22,625 -What? 444 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:24,419 -I heard people talking 445 00:17:24,461 --> 00:17:25,378 about Goonies. 446 00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:26,713 -Aunt Suse, I just really want 447 00:17:26,755 --> 00:17:27,881 to be by myself. 448 00:17:27,922 --> 00:17:31,092 -Oh, okay. I, uh-- I understand. 449 00:17:31,134 --> 00:17:33,011 Blaire: Okay. -Okay, sweetheart. 450 00:17:33,636 --> 00:17:36,765 I'm gonna be thinking the thoughts about you. 451 00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:38,350 -Okay? -Okay. 452 00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:39,809 Okay. 453 00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:44,356 Dr. Susan... 454 00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:48,401 is in the house. 455 00:17:48,443 --> 00:17:49,944 She's like... 456 00:17:53,531 --> 00:17:54,741 [mumbles] 457 00:17:54,783 --> 00:17:55,992 [???] 458 00:17:56,034 --> 00:17:57,285 -[sighs] All right. 459 00:18:00,997 --> 00:18:03,583 Oh, wow, there she is. -Huh? 460 00:18:03,625 --> 00:18:04,918 -Mrs. Fechko. 461 00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:06,753 God, buddy, you were right. 462 00:18:06,795 --> 00:18:08,129 I don't know how I didn't see it before, 463 00:18:08,171 --> 00:18:09,756 but she's got this, like, raw, 464 00:18:09,798 --> 00:18:12,092 sexual animal magnetism to her. 465 00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:13,468 Go ask her. 466 00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:14,803 -About-- About what? 467 00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:16,262 -About a friend for me. 468 00:18:16,304 --> 00:18:18,348 -[sighs deeply] Okay. 469 00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:25,313 Hey, uh, Mrs. Fechko. Hi, there. 470 00:18:25,355 --> 00:18:27,691 -Hi. Ted: Mrs. Fechko. 471 00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:28,983 May I call you Rebecca? 472 00:18:29,025 --> 00:18:30,360 -My name is Gert. 473 00:18:30,402 --> 00:18:32,696 -Oh, that's-- that's beautiful, as well. 474 00:18:32,737 --> 00:18:35,782 Listen, I have a decent proposal for you. 475 00:18:35,824 --> 00:18:37,367 My friend John and I-- 476 00:18:37,409 --> 00:18:38,827 -The Down syndrome boy? 477 00:18:38,868 --> 00:18:40,286 -He doesn't have Down syndrome. 478 00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:41,955 -Are you sure? -Yes. 479 00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:43,206 -I think he does. 480 00:18:47,335 --> 00:18:49,963 -Well, be that as it may, he and I would like to take you 481 00:18:50,005 --> 00:18:53,008 and one of your friends out to a restaurant of your choosing. 482 00:18:53,049 --> 00:18:54,342 -Why? 483 00:18:54,759 --> 00:18:57,679 -I got-- gotta be honest here, I thought you'd just say yes. 484 00:18:57,721 --> 00:18:59,556 Uh, because-- because we have lived 485 00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:01,683 across from you all these years, 486 00:19:01,725 --> 00:19:04,227 and I gotta believe there's more to Gert Fechko 487 00:19:04,269 --> 00:19:07,022 than just yelling about how we need a stop sign here. 488 00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:10,191 -We do! People come zooming by at all hours! 489 00:19:10,233 --> 00:19:11,985 -And paranoia about the Chinese. 490 00:19:12,027 --> 00:19:15,321 -They're taking over the town! They even have their own bank! 491 00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:16,531 -You see, the truth is, 492 00:19:16,573 --> 00:19:18,658 John could use an old-fashioned lesson 493 00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,660 in manners and such. -How come? 494 00:19:20,702 --> 00:19:22,871 -Because everyone in your generation is brilliant, 495 00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:24,998 while everyone today is a dumb piece of shit. 496 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:27,542 -That's all I wanted to hear. I'll call my friend Mildred. 497 00:19:27,584 --> 00:19:30,378 -Terrific. -Dinner, 11:00 a.m. sharp. 498 00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:31,588 -We'll be there. 499 00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:35,216 [???] 500 00:19:37,469 --> 00:19:39,846 -Matty. Matty: God damn it! 501 00:19:39,888 --> 00:19:41,014 -What's the matter? 502 00:19:41,056 --> 00:19:42,349 -I fuckin' sneezed while I was pissing. 503 00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:44,726 Got in my fuckin' eye. 504 00:19:44,768 --> 00:19:46,686 -Uh, there's a clean pair of pants 505 00:19:46,728 --> 00:19:48,188 right there in the drawer. 506 00:19:48,229 --> 00:19:49,397 -Great. 507 00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:52,442 -Hi. 508 00:19:52,484 --> 00:19:54,444 You wanna horse around? 509 00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:55,528 -What? 510 00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:57,030 -Johnny's in the front yard. 511 00:19:57,072 --> 00:19:58,490 He can't hear us. 512 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:00,283 -It's day. 513 00:20:00,325 --> 00:20:01,284 -Even better, 514 00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:03,953 we can see each other's bodies. 515 00:20:03,995 --> 00:20:05,538 -I got piss in my eyes, Susan. 516 00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:07,248 -Oh, I don't mind. 517 00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:10,043 Let's dance. 518 00:20:10,085 --> 00:20:12,253 -[sniffs] Is that wine? -Yeah. 519 00:20:12,295 --> 00:20:14,589 I just had a little bit of wine. 520 00:20:14,631 --> 00:20:16,257 -What are you doing? -? Don't you remember ? 521 00:20:16,299 --> 00:20:18,885 ? You told me ? ? You loved me, baby? ? 522 00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:20,095 -Susan, stop it. 523 00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:23,723 -? Baby, baby, baby, baby ? 524 00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:24,808 ? Oh, baby ? -What are you doing? 525 00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:27,060 For fuck's sake, Susan! 526 00:20:27,102 --> 00:20:28,520 That woman is dead! 527 00:20:36,027 --> 00:20:38,905 -[melancholically] ? I love you ? 528 00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:40,448 [breathes deeply] 529 00:20:44,869 --> 00:20:48,957 -First guy I ever loved was a total nothing. 530 00:20:48,998 --> 00:20:52,627 The second was worse. My mom called me a bum magnet. 531 00:20:52,669 --> 00:20:54,671 If there was a bum within a 50-mile radius, 532 00:20:54,713 --> 00:20:55,922 I was completely attracted. 533 00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:57,757 -Hey. -Hi. 534 00:20:57,799 --> 00:20:58,925 Julia Roberts: That's how I ended up here. 535 00:20:58,967 --> 00:21:01,094 -You watching this? -Yeah. 536 00:21:01,136 --> 00:21:02,470 Richard Gere: Hmm. 537 00:21:02,512 --> 00:21:03,805 -There's-- There's a hockey game. 538 00:21:03,847 --> 00:21:05,306 -Watch it upstairs. 539 00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:09,019 -I-- I can't-- I can't go upstairs. 540 00:21:09,561 --> 00:21:11,479 -Why not? -Nothing. 541 00:21:11,521 --> 00:21:14,774 Gere: So, you chose this as your profession. 542 00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:17,152 -I worked at a couple fast food places. 543 00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:19,946 Parked cars at wrestling. 544 00:21:19,988 --> 00:21:21,990 -What's the story? They married? 545 00:21:22,032 --> 00:21:23,616 -No. 546 00:21:23,658 --> 00:21:25,660 -She was a hooker and made it sound so great. 547 00:21:25,702 --> 00:21:26,953 -She his girlfriend? 548 00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:28,663 -She's a prostitute. 549 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:29,956 -What? 550 00:21:29,998 --> 00:21:31,332 -She's a prostitute, 551 00:21:31,374 --> 00:21:33,126 and he's falling in love with her. 552 00:21:33,168 --> 00:21:34,627 -It's not like anybody plans this. 553 00:21:34,669 --> 00:21:37,339 It's not your childhood dream. 554 00:21:37,380 --> 00:21:39,215 Gere: You should be so much more. 555 00:21:39,257 --> 00:21:40,717 -Ain't he worried about the clap? 556 00:21:41,176 --> 00:21:42,844 -No. -Why not? 557 00:21:42,886 --> 00:21:44,554 -Because she fuckin' douches a lot. 558 00:21:44,596 --> 00:21:46,806 I don't fuckin' know. I'm trying to watch. 559 00:21:46,848 --> 00:21:47,807 -Christ. Okay. 560 00:21:47,849 --> 00:21:49,642 I'm just kickin' the tires. 561 00:21:49,684 --> 00:21:51,644 Don't bite my goddamn head off. 562 00:21:51,686 --> 00:21:54,064 Gere: You're a bright, very special woman. 563 00:21:54,105 --> 00:21:56,483 -You gonna-- You gonna watch all of those? 564 00:21:56,524 --> 00:21:59,652 -Yeah, Matty, 'cause that's what you do after a breakup. 565 00:21:59,694 --> 00:22:02,197 You lay under a blanket and you watch a bunch of chick flicks. 566 00:22:06,242 --> 00:22:07,827 -I don't want you to get too excited. 567 00:22:07,869 --> 00:22:09,037 This is only on loan. 568 00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:17,420 Roberts: Oh! [laughs] -[gasps] Jesus. Asshole. 569 00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:18,588 Roberts: They're gonna let you borrow this for... 570 00:22:20,590 --> 00:22:22,509 -[operatic singing in on TV] Gere: Princess Vivian! 571 00:22:22,550 --> 00:22:23,510 Come down! 572 00:22:23,551 --> 00:22:25,387 [singing continues] 573 00:22:28,306 --> 00:22:30,225 It had to be the top floor, right? 574 00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:31,518 Roberts: It's the best. 575 00:22:31,559 --> 00:22:33,269 Gere: All right, I'm coming up. 576 00:22:34,104 --> 00:22:36,314 [???] 577 00:22:38,233 --> 00:22:41,486 -Oh, wow. She was the pretty woman. 578 00:22:42,112 --> 00:22:46,241 [???] 579 00:22:46,282 --> 00:22:50,412 -So, Mildred, Teddy has told me so much about you, 580 00:22:50,453 --> 00:22:53,206 but he neglected to mention your eyes. 581 00:22:53,248 --> 00:22:55,208 They're like nice manhole covers. 582 00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:57,794 -Well, I didn't know one of you was a stuffed bear, 583 00:22:57,836 --> 00:22:59,295 so I guess we're even. 584 00:22:59,337 --> 00:23:00,714 -Welcome to Armand's. 585 00:23:00,755 --> 00:23:02,257 Take your time. 586 00:23:02,298 --> 00:23:03,133 I'll be back in a bit. 587 00:23:04,509 --> 00:23:06,094 -God, there's something extra depressing 588 00:23:06,136 --> 00:23:08,096 about a bald waiter, am I right? 589 00:23:08,138 --> 00:23:09,556 I might request someone else. 590 00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:11,599 -I would like to propose a toast. 591 00:23:12,017 --> 00:23:13,309 To budding romance. 592 00:23:13,351 --> 00:23:15,270 -For who? -For you and Teddy. 593 00:23:15,311 --> 00:23:17,731 -Yeah, yeah, Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie. 594 00:23:17,772 --> 00:23:19,399 We're playing it cool here, Johnny. 595 00:23:19,441 --> 00:23:23,278 -Hmm. So, Mildred, tell me about yourself. 596 00:23:23,319 --> 00:23:24,821 Who is Mildred? 597 00:23:24,863 --> 00:23:26,448 -Well, I'm from Connecticut. 598 00:23:26,489 --> 00:23:28,575 -Ah. The "Show Me" state. 599 00:23:28,616 --> 00:23:29,659 -I'm a widow. 600 00:23:29,701 --> 00:23:31,911 My Franklin died eight years ago. 601 00:23:31,953 --> 00:23:34,831 -Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. What from? 602 00:23:34,873 --> 00:23:38,126 -Crohn's disease. It's actually named after him. 603 00:23:38,626 --> 00:23:41,171 -Well, Mrs. Disease, Ted may just-- 604 00:23:41,212 --> 00:23:43,590 -No, Crohn. Mildred Crohn. 605 00:23:43,631 --> 00:23:45,467 -Well, Mrs. Crohn, I-- 606 00:23:45,508 --> 00:23:47,469 I know that I can't replace Franklin, 607 00:23:47,510 --> 00:23:49,804 but with time I believe that you'll find me 608 00:23:49,846 --> 00:23:50,889 a worthy companion. 609 00:23:51,681 --> 00:23:54,142 Ardent, steadfast 610 00:23:54,184 --> 00:23:57,187 and prepared to lend a strong paternal hand to your... 611 00:23:57,228 --> 00:23:58,813 -Nine sons. 612 00:23:58,855 --> 00:24:01,941 -Yes. I am ready to step in as their father. 613 00:24:01,983 --> 00:24:03,610 -[clears throat] Uh, what, uh-- 614 00:24:03,651 --> 00:24:05,779 Uh, what about your parents, Mrs. Fechko? 615 00:24:05,820 --> 00:24:07,947 -Most of my father is in a jar. 616 00:24:07,989 --> 00:24:10,658 -Mildred, may I just say your brooch is exquisite? 617 00:24:10,700 --> 00:24:11,951 -Oh, thank you. 618 00:24:11,993 --> 00:24:13,620 -And your locket is divine. 619 00:24:13,661 --> 00:24:16,289 -Oh, Franklin brought it back from Morocco. 620 00:24:16,331 --> 00:24:18,541 -And your stickpin is resplendent. 621 00:24:19,751 --> 00:24:21,461 -Would you excuse me for a second? 622 00:24:21,503 --> 00:24:24,547 Gert, will you join me in the little girls' room? 623 00:24:30,929 --> 00:24:32,472 -You think they're spraying their vaginas 624 00:24:32,514 --> 00:24:33,890 with eau de toilette? 625 00:24:33,932 --> 00:24:34,974 -Yeah, I really don't know 626 00:24:35,016 --> 00:24:36,685 what the fuck is happening anymore. 627 00:24:38,770 --> 00:24:40,563 -Shut the door! Shut the door! 628 00:24:40,605 --> 00:24:42,232 Do you see what's going on here? 629 00:24:42,273 --> 00:24:43,817 -What? -They're bandits! 630 00:24:43,858 --> 00:24:45,985 They're trying to steal our jewels! 631 00:24:46,027 --> 00:24:47,278 -You think so? -Yes! 632 00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,031 They want to bamboozle us out of our fortunes! 633 00:24:50,073 --> 00:24:52,325 Mine won't quit staring at my amulet! 634 00:24:52,367 --> 00:24:53,910 They're grifters! 635 00:24:53,952 --> 00:24:55,286 -Oh, my God! 636 00:24:55,328 --> 00:24:57,747 -The one with Down syndrome is the flimflam artist, 637 00:24:57,789 --> 00:24:59,833 and the bear is the bagman. 638 00:24:59,874 --> 00:25:02,168 -Thank God all my money's in traveler's checks. 639 00:25:02,210 --> 00:25:04,254 -They're probably going from town to town, 640 00:25:04,295 --> 00:25:07,173 pulling this little stunt all across the country. 641 00:25:07,215 --> 00:25:09,676 -But they lived across the street from me for 18 years. 642 00:25:09,718 --> 00:25:12,178 -Even worse! It's a long con! 643 00:25:12,220 --> 00:25:15,390 -Well, then I am not spraying my vagina with eau de toilette. 644 00:25:15,432 --> 00:25:18,685 -Oh, no! Let's get out of here! 645 00:25:18,727 --> 00:25:19,602 [tires screech] 646 00:25:19,644 --> 00:25:22,397 You fucking thieves! 647 00:25:23,064 --> 00:25:24,983 [engine revving] 648 00:25:25,942 --> 00:25:29,696 -Oh, I'm so glad we don't have to fuck 'em after they ate. 649 00:25:29,738 --> 00:25:31,948 [???] 650 00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:42,917 [clears throat] 651 00:25:44,919 --> 00:25:47,255 [somber music playing on TV] 652 00:25:56,181 --> 00:25:57,766 Patrick Swayze: Tell her it's for luck. 653 00:25:57,807 --> 00:25:59,434 Whoopi Goldberg: Sam says it's for luck. 654 00:25:59,476 --> 00:26:01,978 [???] 655 00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:04,773 [sniffles] 656 00:26:05,774 --> 00:26:07,150 [Matty gulps] 657 00:26:07,692 --> 00:26:08,943 -Matty? 658 00:26:10,278 --> 00:26:11,279 -Yeah? 659 00:26:12,530 --> 00:26:14,657 -Are you okay? -Yeah-- 660 00:26:15,283 --> 00:26:16,743 [clears throat] I was just sleeping. 661 00:26:16,785 --> 00:26:18,578 You just fuckin' woke me up. 662 00:26:18,620 --> 00:26:20,705 -Oh, sorry. 663 00:26:21,206 --> 00:26:24,292 Um, yeah, you know what? I'm getting tired, too. 664 00:26:24,334 --> 00:26:26,252 I'm gonna go say good night to Susan and go to bed. 665 00:26:26,294 --> 00:26:28,088 -Yeah. Me, too. I'm gonna go to bed as well. 666 00:26:28,129 --> 00:26:30,465 I'm just gonna turn the lights off first. 667 00:26:38,306 --> 00:26:40,183 [footsteps receding] 668 00:26:52,028 --> 00:26:54,489 [somber music resumes] 669 00:27:03,998 --> 00:27:05,834 -[knock on door] -Aunt Suse? 670 00:27:05,875 --> 00:27:07,043 [gasps] 671 00:27:07,085 --> 00:27:09,045 -Blaire. -Hi. 672 00:27:13,008 --> 00:27:16,678 Listen, I just wanted to apologize 673 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:19,014 for being so short with you this afternoon. 674 00:27:19,055 --> 00:27:21,641 -No, no, no. It's fine. 675 00:27:21,683 --> 00:27:25,645 I know you're having a sad day, and it's your birthday week, 676 00:27:25,687 --> 00:27:27,230 and I'm so sorry. 677 00:27:28,023 --> 00:27:30,483 -Are you still drinking? 678 00:27:30,525 --> 00:27:32,193 -Well-- 679 00:27:32,235 --> 00:27:35,113 You know who I read likes to drink now and then? 680 00:27:35,864 --> 00:27:38,992 Me. [laughs] 681 00:27:39,034 --> 00:27:41,202 I started keeping a diary. 682 00:27:41,244 --> 00:27:44,080 -Oh, my God. Okay. -[Susan chuckles] 683 00:27:45,081 --> 00:27:46,583 Um-- 684 00:27:47,876 --> 00:27:49,336 Is something going on? 685 00:27:49,377 --> 00:27:50,420 -Like what? 686 00:27:50,462 --> 00:27:52,005 -I don't know. I-- 687 00:27:52,047 --> 00:27:54,174 Anything you need to talk about? 688 00:27:54,215 --> 00:27:57,218 I mean, I've hardly ever seen you drink wine. 689 00:27:58,386 --> 00:28:01,306 -Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone. 690 00:28:02,223 --> 00:28:03,183 -What do you mean? 691 00:28:03,224 --> 00:28:05,560 -When we were younger, 692 00:28:05,602 --> 00:28:08,104 Matty used to share things with me. 693 00:28:09,147 --> 00:28:12,400 Sometimes he'd even tell me how he was feeling. 694 00:28:12,442 --> 00:28:13,568 -He did? 695 00:28:13,610 --> 00:28:14,903 -Yeah. 696 00:28:15,737 --> 00:28:18,490 And it's been years since he shared anything. 697 00:28:19,449 --> 00:28:21,785 Last night I began to wonder, 698 00:28:22,577 --> 00:28:25,121 is this all there is until the end? 699 00:28:25,747 --> 00:28:27,207 Me sitting alone, 700 00:28:27,248 --> 00:28:30,960 trying to guess if Matty still loves me? 701 00:28:31,002 --> 00:28:32,921 -I'm sure he still loves you. 702 00:28:32,962 --> 00:28:36,091 -Ah, he never says it to me anymore. 703 00:28:36,132 --> 00:28:38,259 He never does anything romantic. 704 00:28:39,469 --> 00:28:42,639 Doesn't even put in the effort to smell neutral anymore. 705 00:28:43,264 --> 00:28:45,433 -[sighs] Listen, 706 00:28:45,475 --> 00:28:48,436 I really do wanna talk about this with you, okay? 707 00:28:48,478 --> 00:28:52,899 It-- It's just-- I've had kind of a rough day myself. 708 00:28:52,941 --> 00:28:54,109 -I know. 709 00:28:54,150 --> 00:28:56,403 -But tomorrow, 710 00:28:56,444 --> 00:28:59,989 what if we did, like, girls' day or something? 711 00:29:00,031 --> 00:29:01,991 -I'd love that. 712 00:29:02,033 --> 00:29:06,830 -And for now, I'm just gonna put this back in the box. 713 00:29:06,871 --> 00:29:07,997 Susan: Okay. -Okay. 714 00:29:08,456 --> 00:29:11,167 -I'm gonna ride my bike to Taco Bell. 715 00:29:12,210 --> 00:29:13,336 [chuckles softly] 716 00:29:15,630 --> 00:29:16,673 Patrick Swayze: I love you, Molly. 717 00:29:16,715 --> 00:29:18,967 [somber music playing on TV] 718 00:29:19,676 --> 00:29:21,136 I've always loved you. 719 00:29:21,803 --> 00:29:23,013 [chuckles] 720 00:29:26,474 --> 00:29:28,435 [music continues] 721 00:29:28,476 --> 00:29:29,352 -Ditto. 722 00:29:29,394 --> 00:29:30,311 -Matty? 723 00:29:30,353 --> 00:29:31,980 [gasps] 724 00:29:34,566 --> 00:29:38,445 -Blaire. I was-- I was just looking for hockey. 725 00:29:38,486 --> 00:29:40,822 And, uh, sports and scores. [sniffles] 726 00:29:40,864 --> 00:29:43,324 I wanted-- I wanted hock-- I wanted sports and hockey. 727 00:29:43,366 --> 00:29:44,701 -Did you turn Ghost back on? 728 00:29:45,243 --> 00:29:47,370 -No. -You're crying. 729 00:29:47,412 --> 00:29:50,040 -No, I'm not. -You're crying at Ghost. 730 00:29:50,081 --> 00:29:51,207 -Fuck off! 731 00:29:51,249 --> 00:29:52,709 -Matty, it's okay. 732 00:29:52,751 --> 00:29:55,170 -I'm not crying! It-- I'm just-- 733 00:29:55,879 --> 00:29:57,130 It's-- It's piss. 734 00:29:57,172 --> 00:29:59,341 -It's okay if the story moved you. 735 00:29:59,382 --> 00:30:00,967 That's what it's supposed to do. 736 00:30:01,009 --> 00:30:02,802 -I wasn't fuckin' crying! 737 00:30:02,844 --> 00:30:04,846 -Okay, why don't you sit down? 738 00:30:04,888 --> 00:30:06,806 I wanna show you something. 739 00:30:06,848 --> 00:30:08,892 [dog barking in distance] 740 00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:14,314 -[cries] God! I'm so mad, I don't know what to do. 741 00:30:14,356 --> 00:30:15,648 I wanna know why. 742 00:30:15,690 --> 00:30:18,651 -I wanna know why Shelby's life is over. 743 00:30:18,693 --> 00:30:20,862 I wanna know how that baby will ever know 744 00:30:20,904 --> 00:30:22,989 how wonderful his mother was. 745 00:30:23,031 --> 00:30:26,743 [crying] Will he ever know what she went through for him? 746 00:30:26,785 --> 00:30:29,871 Oh, God. I wanna know why! 747 00:30:29,913 --> 00:30:30,914 Why? 748 00:30:30,955 --> 00:30:32,874 -[screams] Goddamn right, why? 749 00:30:33,375 --> 00:30:35,543 Wh-Why did it have to be Shelby, huh? 750 00:30:35,585 --> 00:30:37,921 She-- She had her-- She had her whole life ahead of her! 751 00:30:37,962 --> 00:30:39,881 -[voice breaking] I know, it's-- it's so sad. 752 00:30:39,923 --> 00:30:42,509 -She was such a ray of sunshine! 753 00:30:42,550 --> 00:30:46,012 What's the point of love when it causes so much pain? 754 00:30:46,054 --> 00:30:48,390 -She gave so much and asked so little. 755 00:30:48,431 --> 00:30:49,891 -Why couldn't it have been Shirley MacLaine 756 00:30:49,933 --> 00:30:51,393 with the diabetes? 757 00:30:51,434 --> 00:30:53,353 It doesn't make any goddamn sense! 758 00:30:53,395 --> 00:30:55,397 -And the baby! -Oh, God! 759 00:30:55,438 --> 00:30:56,690 The baby! 760 00:30:56,731 --> 00:30:59,401 Wh-Wh-What's gonna happen to the fuckin' baby? 761 00:30:59,442 --> 00:31:00,777 -He's never gonna know his mother. 762 00:31:00,819 --> 00:31:02,237 -I want some fuckin' answers! 763 00:31:02,278 --> 00:31:04,197 I want some fuckin' goddamn answers! 764 00:31:04,239 --> 00:31:06,116 And I want 'em right now! -Matty. 765 00:31:06,157 --> 00:31:08,243 Matty. It's just a movie. 766 00:31:08,284 --> 00:31:10,787 -[gasps] -[indistinct chatter on TV] 767 00:31:10,829 --> 00:31:12,747 [Matty gasping] 768 00:31:14,290 --> 00:31:15,834 -My God. 769 00:31:17,502 --> 00:31:19,087 This is what chick flicks are? 770 00:31:19,129 --> 00:31:23,049 -Yes. The whole point is to get you to feel something. 771 00:31:23,091 --> 00:31:25,385 To share an emotive experience through a narrative. 772 00:31:25,427 --> 00:31:26,761 -Blaire, 773 00:31:27,429 --> 00:31:29,889 you cannot tell anybody that I fuckin' cried. 774 00:31:29,931 --> 00:31:31,182 -I won't. 775 00:31:32,017 --> 00:31:35,395 But there is one person you need to tell. 776 00:31:35,437 --> 00:31:37,272 -What? What the fuck you talkin' about? 777 00:31:37,313 --> 00:31:39,983 -Matty, do you see what's happening right now? 778 00:31:40,025 --> 00:31:41,609 Aunt Suse needs to see this. 779 00:31:41,651 --> 00:31:43,653 -Jesus. No way. -Why not? 780 00:31:43,695 --> 00:31:45,113 -I don't wanna look like fuckin' Boy George 781 00:31:45,155 --> 00:31:46,114 in front of my wife. 782 00:31:46,156 --> 00:31:48,408 Besides, I think she's drunk. 783 00:31:48,450 --> 00:31:52,120 -Uh, yeah, she's been drinking. You know why? 784 00:31:52,162 --> 00:31:55,123 It's because she's starved for any kind of human feeling. 785 00:31:55,165 --> 00:31:57,667 If she saw you like this right now, 786 00:31:57,709 --> 00:31:59,544 she'd love you like the day you married her. 787 00:32:00,462 --> 00:32:01,671 -I don't know. 788 00:32:01,713 --> 00:32:03,673 -Matty, there's no shame in being vulnerable 789 00:32:03,715 --> 00:32:04,966 with the person that you love. 790 00:32:05,008 --> 00:32:08,178 Sure, maybe you feel a little stupid right now, 791 00:32:08,219 --> 00:32:09,971 but don't you also feel kinda good? 792 00:32:10,013 --> 00:32:12,849 Like, kinda relaxed and free? 793 00:32:13,975 --> 00:32:15,685 -I guess so. 794 00:32:16,978 --> 00:32:17,937 Yeah, I do. 795 00:32:17,979 --> 00:32:20,315 -Your wife needs you right now. 796 00:32:20,357 --> 00:32:21,983 She needs this, Matty. 797 00:32:22,650 --> 00:32:24,152 -I don't know how to do that. 798 00:32:24,903 --> 00:32:25,987 [tuts] 799 00:32:26,029 --> 00:32:27,697 -Do you have a ladder? 800 00:32:28,323 --> 00:32:30,867 [snoring] 801 00:32:33,828 --> 00:32:35,288 Matty: Susan! Susan: Yeah. 802 00:32:35,330 --> 00:32:36,831 Matty: Susan! -I know. 803 00:32:37,374 --> 00:32:38,792 Matty: Susan! 804 00:32:38,833 --> 00:32:40,960 [operatic singing] 805 00:32:41,002 --> 00:32:42,462 -Matty? 806 00:32:42,504 --> 00:32:44,881 [singing continues] 807 00:32:49,219 --> 00:32:50,345 Matty! 808 00:32:50,387 --> 00:32:53,139 -Princess Susan! I need you! 809 00:32:53,181 --> 00:32:54,557 -What are you doing? 810 00:32:54,599 --> 00:32:56,184 -I'm comin' up! 811 00:32:56,226 --> 00:32:59,187 [singing continues] 812 00:32:59,229 --> 00:33:00,563 -Are those roses? 813 00:33:00,605 --> 00:33:02,148 -I'm on my way. 814 00:33:02,190 --> 00:33:04,818 I'm comin' up, Princess Susan! 815 00:33:04,859 --> 00:33:06,069 I'm comin' up! 816 00:33:06,111 --> 00:33:07,529 [singing continues] 817 00:33:08,029 --> 00:33:10,031 -[grunts] -[Susan gasps] 818 00:33:10,073 --> 00:33:10,990 [screams] 819 00:33:11,032 --> 00:33:13,743 [screaming] Fuck! 820 00:33:14,244 --> 00:33:15,412 Blaire: Careful. Matty: A little more. 821 00:33:15,453 --> 00:33:16,746 Blaire: Careful. I know. Yep. Matty: Easy. 822 00:33:16,788 --> 00:33:18,248 Easy, for fuck's sake. -All right. All right. 823 00:33:18,289 --> 00:33:21,001 -Sorry. God. -Jesus Christ! [grunts] 824 00:33:21,042 --> 00:33:22,252 Fuck, I need a beer. -Okay. 825 00:33:22,293 --> 00:33:23,378 Yeah, I'll-- I'll get you that. 826 00:33:23,420 --> 00:33:24,879 -Yeah. -Thank you, Blaire. 827 00:33:24,921 --> 00:33:27,924 -[sighs] God Almighty. -All right. Over to the couch. 828 00:33:28,717 --> 00:33:30,343 -[groans] Here. -Give me that. 829 00:33:30,385 --> 00:33:33,763 -[grunts] I feel like a jackass, Susan. 830 00:33:35,265 --> 00:33:36,683 I just-- I just wanted to make you feel 831 00:33:36,725 --> 00:33:38,226 like a special prostitute. 832 00:33:38,268 --> 00:33:41,021 -Oh, Matty! 833 00:33:41,062 --> 00:33:43,440 I do feel like one. 834 00:33:43,481 --> 00:33:47,110 That was the sweetest, most wonderful gesture 835 00:33:47,152 --> 00:33:49,779 I've ever seen in my life. 836 00:33:49,821 --> 00:33:51,072 -This-- This is what happens 837 00:33:51,114 --> 00:33:53,074 when you show your fuckin' feelings. 838 00:33:53,116 --> 00:33:54,325 -Well, 839 00:33:54,367 --> 00:33:56,411 you don't ever have to show your feelings again 840 00:33:56,453 --> 00:33:57,996 if you don't wanna. 841 00:33:58,621 --> 00:34:00,957 'Cause now I know how much you love me. 842 00:34:03,084 --> 00:34:05,253 [gentle music playing] 843 00:34:06,129 --> 00:34:07,797 I love you, Matty. 844 00:34:08,965 --> 00:34:10,258 -Ditto. 845 00:34:14,763 --> 00:34:17,140 [???] 846 00:34:23,146 --> 00:34:25,607 -Sounds like we all had a shitty week, huh? 847 00:34:25,648 --> 00:34:26,691 -Yeah. 848 00:34:27,108 --> 00:34:29,277 -Hey, Blaire, I'm really sorry about Sarah. 849 00:34:29,694 --> 00:34:30,737 -Me, too. 850 00:34:30,779 --> 00:34:32,280 -But, hey, look on the bright side. 851 00:34:32,322 --> 00:34:34,616 Now you got more time to get stoned with me and Teddy. 852 00:34:34,949 --> 00:34:38,620 -I mean, I guess if Sarah hadn't broken up with me, 853 00:34:38,661 --> 00:34:40,288 Matty never would have opened up to Susan 854 00:34:40,330 --> 00:34:42,582 and she'd still be drinking wine in bed, 855 00:34:42,624 --> 00:34:45,460 so, yeah, maybe it was all worth it. 856 00:34:46,127 --> 00:34:49,756 Susan is the kindest, most selfless person alive. 857 00:34:49,798 --> 00:34:51,466 And she deserves to be happy. 858 00:34:51,508 --> 00:34:52,967 -Yeah, but you'd still have a girlfriend 859 00:34:53,009 --> 00:34:55,095 if you'd just given me and Johnny those beers. 860 00:34:55,136 --> 00:34:56,137 -That's also true. 861 00:34:56,179 --> 00:34:57,681 -I mean, if you got us, like, 862 00:34:57,722 --> 00:34:59,599 a bunch more beer, who knows? 863 00:34:59,641 --> 00:35:01,142 Maybe it'll cause a chain of events 864 00:35:01,184 --> 00:35:02,936 that'll lead to Sarah taking you back. 865 00:35:02,977 --> 00:35:04,145 -Fair enough. 866 00:35:04,187 --> 00:35:07,649 -[groans] It didn't. It didn't help anything. 867 00:35:07,691 --> 00:35:09,651 -Mildred, I love you! 868 00:35:09,693 --> 00:35:10,610 [both gag] 869 00:35:10,652 --> 00:35:13,655 [???] 870 00:35:13,697 --> 00:35:16,449 ["Everybody Needs a Best Friend" by Norah Jones playing] 871 00:35:16,491 --> 00:35:20,787 ? Oh, you've got a headful ? ? Of someone dreadful ? 872 00:35:20,829 --> 00:35:23,998 ? And yet, alas ? ? That someone adores you ? 873 00:35:25,500 --> 00:35:29,337 ? Everybody needs ? ? A best friend ? 874 00:35:29,379 --> 00:35:31,840 ? I'm happy I'm yours ? 875 00:35:31,881 --> 00:35:34,676 ? I'm just a clown ? 876 00:35:35,343 --> 00:35:38,013 ? And I'll bring you down ? 877 00:35:38,847 --> 00:35:40,640 ? But you just don't care ? 878 00:35:40,682 --> 00:35:43,435 ? 'Cause your ? 879 00:35:44,894 --> 00:35:47,063 ? Best friend is me ? 880 00:35:47,105 --> 00:35:49,107 [???] 881 00:35:49,157 --> 00:35:53,707 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0